Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Massive Hog Lot Waste Lagoon Collapses, 53% of Wisconsin Drowns in Pig Shit

In what experts are calling the largest catastrophe of its kind, the failure of a hog waste containment lagoon has drowned 53% of the the population of Wisconsin in pig shit. The failure at the Koch Brothers Swine Factory and Nuclear Facility located in Waukesha county occurred without warning even though activists had suggested the site was a ticking time bomb. While Dane county and 9 others were largely unscathed the remainder of the state has been inundated in pig waste. According to the Borowitz Report Canada is bracing for an influx of refugees:
"The Canadian coast guard was on alert today, preparing for what it fears could be a massive invasion of boat people from Wisconsin. Conor McGlindon, commander of the Royal Canadian Mounted Coast Guard (RCMCG), said that satellite photos had revealed a “substantial flotilla” in the making, as Wisconsinites prepared to flee their state for their neighbor to the North. “Word has gotten around that we have policemen, firemen, and basic school lunches up here,” Mr. McGlindon said. “You can’t blame these boat people for seeking a better life. But we are under orders to intercept them....Mr. McGlindon offered reporters a look at satellite photos showing the boat people larding their vessels with wheels of premium cheddar cheese, possibly in the hopes of bribing Canadian officials on Superior’s northern shore. “We are telling all of our men that under no circumstances should they accept offerings of cheese,” he said. ”These boat people are desperate and they will try anything.” Reports of the looming refugee crisis coincided with the release of a new poll showing that Gov. Scott Walker is now the most hated man in Wisconsin, narrowly edging Brett Favre. Speaking at the state capitol, Gov. Walker seemed philosophical about his legacy: “I’m not worried how history will remember me, because if I have my way there won’t be any history teachers.”

1 comment:

Mark Gisleson said...

Damn, I was hoping to read the post you did last night (but apparently wisely decided to delete).

Sorry dude.