
  Asia Times Online has a great 
article about an encounter that probably never happened, here's an excerpt: 
"
Bush: Vladimir, I                                don't get what you are driving at. Americans just                                don't think that way. We're trying to help Muslim                                countries build democracy so the Middle East can                                be at peace.
Putin: I don't                                want to throw cold water on your idea, George, but                                it doesn't seem to be working out too well in                                Iraq, or Palestine, or Lebanon, does it?                               
Bush: Vladimir, I just don't                                get you at all. If you are so concerned about the                                Muslims, how come you are making it so hard for us                                to put sanctions on Iran?                               
Putin: Did it ever occur to                                you that you have an insignificant number of                                Muslims to answer to - and half of them are                                native-born American blacks who never vote                                Republican? I have millions of Azeri Shi'ites                                attending mosques supported by Iran. I don't have                                the luxury to rap the mullahs on the knuckles and                                hope they stick their hands back in the pockets.                                Read what Niccolo Machiavelli had to say on the                                subject: never inflict a minor injury upon an                                opponent. Men will avenge themselves against minor                                injuries, but they can't avenge themselves against                                major injuries.
Bush: You're                                not telling me to inflict a major injury on Iran,                                by any chance, are you, Vladimir?                               
Putin: If anyone is going to                                do it, George, it's going to be you - you or the                                Israelis. I simply can't afford to - at least not                                for the moment, certainly not until after our                                presidential elections next March. Maybe you won't                                have to. Iran is weak. There's still an outside                                chance that someone reasonable like Akbar Hashemi                                Rafsanjani might replace that lunatic Mahmud                                Ahmadinejad as president. But there's one thing                                you can count on: nobody hates the idea of an Iran                                with nuclear weapons more than we do. Our "near                                abroad" shares a border with Iran.                               
Bush: So when push comes to                                shove, Vladimir, you're going to let me do the                                dirty work and keep your hands clean?                               
Putin: Remember, I've got                                elections six months before you do, and a                                different kind of succession problem. Your                                democracy has been around for more than 200 years.                                We're barely adolescents. I need someone to follow                                me who's hard and sly enough to prevent Russia                                from flying apart. We can be tough when we have to                                be. Or haven't you heard of Chechnya?                               
Bush: You're not taking into                                account how tough my problem is - unless I can                                settle the Iran problem, there's no way I can get                                US troops out of Iraq without a full-scale war                                between Shi'ites backed by Iran and Sunnis backed                                by Saudi Arabia.
Putin:                                Well, you're on your own there. Don't blame me for                                that.
Bush: Vladimir, I was                                hoping we'd come out of this discussion with an                                understanding of at least one point: Why are you                                so upset about our putting anti-missile systems                                into places like the Czech Republic? You know that                                we can't defend Europe against a Russian missile                                attack.
Putin: George, it's                                not just about the missiles. It's about your                                lily-pad bases in Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan,                                Tajikistan, and elsewhere in our near abroad. It's                                about fomenting those pointless color revolutions                                in Ukraine, Georgia and Kyrgyzstan. You aren't                                going to get democracy in these places - it's                                silly presumption. All you will do is foster the                                centrifugal forces that threaten to tear apart the                                Russian Federation. Don't you get it, George? We                                are only three-quarters Russian, and in a                                generation we might be only half Russian. We                                haven't recovered from the beating you gave us in                                the 1980s. Half of adult male deaths in Russia are                                due to alcoholism. Our women have 13 abortions for                                every 10 live births. We're fighting for our life.                                We are not going to let what remains of Russia be                                torn to pieces.
Bush: Do you                                think we can find some kind of common ground over                                Kosovo?
Putin: That's where                                you are really playing with fire, George. You are                                proposing to dismember Serbia to add a province to                                Greater Albania, and you will set a precedent for                                every breakaway minority that wants to leave                                Russia. We can't possibly accept this - and I warn                                you that if you insist on this dangerous and                                reckless course of action, we will do precisely                                the same for disputed territories in the near                                abroad, starting with South Ossetia.                               
Bush: But Vladimir, how are                                we going to convince the Muslim world that we can                                partner up with them for peace if we don't respect                                the wishes of an overwhelming Muslim majority in                                Kosovo?
Putin: I hate to put                                it this way, George, but I think I could teach you                                a lesson about how to gain influence among                                Muslims. You aren't particularly popular among                                Muslims at the moment.
Bush:                                Okay, you don't have to rub it in. How do you                                propose to gain influence among Muslims?                               
Putin: Do you know how many                                civilians died in Chechnya when we suppressed the                                rebellion there? No one knows exactly, but the                                number is around 100,000. We know that half a                                million Chechens lost their homes. That's half the                                country. We've been killing Muslims for 300 years.                                That's why they respect us.                               
Bush: Vladimir, what you are                                saying is horrible. The American people will never                                see the world that way.                               
Putin: The American people                                don't have to. They are sitting comfortably in                                their own continent and think it's a great                                disaster when a few thousand people are killed in                                an office building. I'm not suggesting that you go                                out and explain to your voters that things might                                be very different in other parts of the world. But                                I am warning you: we have a tough enough job on                                our hands. Don't make it harder for us, or you                                will be sorry."